Fear of death
These past few weeks there's been a recurring topic in my conversations and Client sessions… that happens a bit, where there’s a collective interest in a topic or experience.
This time, it’s death… specifically the fear of death. Either literally being afraid of dying or a deep unconscious nervous system response triggered in order to keep our organism alive.
Then there's another kind of fear of death, the less obvious kind. It comes from a deep fear of abandonment.
In ancient times when we lived in tribes and villages, we depended on the tribe for food, warmth, protection and procreation. If we did something that caused us to be removed from the tribe if we no longer had the protection of the ring of tents around the fire we were vulnerable to attack, being fed on by wild animals or caught by other tribes.
While we no longer live in tribes and need literal protection from wild animals, there’s a part of our brain that operates as if we do. It’s called the amygdala or the primal brain.
What this means is that if we are rejected by our friend circle, excel beyond the limits of our family or are excommunicated from a spiritual group or any other experience of being removed from our ‘tribe’ our survival brain may react as if we are in mortal danger. Our primal brain believes we are being pushed outside the circle of tents, away from the fire and are at risk of being killed.
This can play out in the ways we show up in the world. If we are told we are ‘too much/too loud/too weird/too different/too driven/too independent/too emotional/too anything’ it is a message to our system that we better stay within the acceptable limits set by the tribe if we want to remain safe.
This might show up for you if what you are seeking means you earn more than your partner or parents, are more educated than your siblings, are less conventional in your relationship choices than your friends, and many other variations on this theme.
So, if you keep missing the deadline for applying for the degree course or sabotaging your chance for a promotion and pay rise, or procrastinating on publishing that book, or get caught waiting until something is perfect... or any number of other ways you might be unconsciously making sure you don’t step outside the protection of the ring of tents… no amount of productivity prompts, accountability buddies, habit trackers, motivational podcasts, positive affirmations will get you there until you acknowledge and address the fear of abandonment and death in the deep parts of your brain.
The work for this might look like slow, gentle trauma work with a qualified, experienced specialist especially if you, your family, or recent ancestors experienced actual physical violence or threats of physical violence for being ‘different’.
For others, it might be a combination of committed self-care, nervous system regulation, and mentoring while you take small steps in the direction you wish to go while rewiring your brain to believe you are safe… safe to show up, safe to speak up, safe to excel, safe to be you with small experiences that reinforce this belief.
Some examples of this could be: ‘I went live on my business Instagram with my message and I didn’t die’ or ‘I passed the university entrance exam and I didn’t die’ or 'I started my passion project and didn't die' or 'I published that revealing post' or 'I kissed my lover in public and didn't die'.
