anxiety or life force?

I’ve woken up a couple of times this recently with what feels like anxiety. That familiar, deeply uncomfortable, slightly revolting feeling of something (or lots of things) being wrong.

I started reading a book that lit a fire in my belly to be even more dedicated to my work, to showing up and sharing… this book was calling it art, calling those of us with a message - artists lead by the muse and saying it can be very unfuckingcomfortable sometimes to be an artist with a message.

So when I woke again with an anxiety-ish feeling in my belly… I questioned it, to see what it really was.

It was the muse wanting to say something.

An awesome woman I had sessions with 13 years ago noticed how often I said I felt anxiety in my body. She said the physical signs and symptoms of anxiety are pretty much identical to excitement - sweaty palms, dry mouth, butterflies, heightened heart rate etc.

She asked me if it was possible I was feeling my life force and calling it anxiety because it was unfamiliar?

Boom. 💥

I definitely found it deeply uncomfortable. I had all sorts of ways I would try to manage and mitigate those feelings. They all involved calming it down, none involved leaning into it and seeing what it wanted. Giving it breath and space to expand.

Nope, I just got really good at reducing the feelings with all sorts of self-loving things like lavender oil, herbs, breathing exercises, and warm baths.

That piece of gold from a session a long time ago has come full circle. It's been shared with many of my Clients and now it's dropped in for me in a deeper way.

This is how 1:1 sessions work, if they’re good - they keep on giving way down the line.

Now, I know how I’m going to do it differently when I wake up with the same feeling.

Take it as a sign the muse has something to say.

* The book is Screw The Rules, Do You by Katrina Ruth.
* The sessions were with Maniko Dru Dadigan.

I used to say I credit Maniko with helping me create the foundations of the person I became... and that is still true.

She visited Byron Bay from her home in California two summers in a row and we had 1:1 sessions. They were intense in their face-to-face, no-place-to-hide honesty. I was so deeply confronted and stll I kept showing up. I used to sleep like the dead for a couple of hours after every session.

She saw me. She reflected myself to me, she asked the right questions with clarity and kindness, without judgement. She looked me in the eyes and called me out of the places where I was hiding. I only just realised I have become the same kind of mentor.

Excuse me while I go and write to her... with even more gratitude and love for how she offered her wisdom and insight. A gift that indeed keeps giving.